WOW!

Been a little crazy here again, I haven’t had much time to blog about anything yet but I thought i would write a little now.I am going to add an link on here about some thing that is going on near Me that has a lot of Lifestyle members out raged and worried about their own communities.But before I do that I want to wish a lil girl I know and love to death a Happy Birth day. Happy Birthday S !! I hope it is a great one baby girl, I miss and love you lil one.I hope your B-day party this weekend goes great for you lil one.

Here is that link to the BDSM outing of a Play party and more.

http://www.chicagoden.net/2012/05/detroits-local-4-news-filming-of-bdsm.html

I am with out words on this.

Protected: B.S!!!!!!!!!!!

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Confused and Upset!

I have been feeling very upset and depressed of late and I couldn’t figure out the reason.and I am still trying to figure that out.I have been in a lot of pain and my moods have been up and down and all over the place,and I am sorry I really am sorry for it but I can’t change how my moods are being i am not in my meds that I should be on that I am not on since the insurance company stopped paying on them.

I thought having My slave here doing what she loves doing would help My depression and it did for a little bit.Then I got overwhelmed by everything day in and day out.and I think it has become to much for Me. She is not happy I can see and feel it.

Everything felt so right so comfortable to be waited on hand and foot.but after a lil while it became to much, I do anything for Myself and she would look at me like I had just smacked her and stole something from her.  sorry but I was raised to be a strong independent woman.And her doing everything feels like she is enabling Me.

Definition from the Wikipedia

In a negative sense, enabling is also used in the context of problematic behavior, to signify dysfunctional approaches that are intended to help but in fact may perpetuate a problem.^[1][2] A common theme of enabling in this latter sense is that third parties take responsibility, blame, or make accommodations for a person’s harmful conduct (often with the best of intentions, or from fear or insecurity which inhibits action). The practical effect is that the person them self does not have to do so, and is shielded from awareness of the harm it may do, and the need or pressure to change. It is a major environmental cause of addiction.^[3]

A common example of enabling can be observed in the relationship between the alcoholic/addict and a codependent spouse. The spouse believes incorrectly that he or she is helping the alcoholic by calling into work for them, making excuses that prevent others from holding them accountable, and generally cleaning up the mess that occurs in the wake of their impaired judgment.^{[citation needed]} In reality what the spouse is doing is hurting, not helping. Enabling prevents psychological growth in the person being enabled and can contribute to negative symptoms in the enabler.

One of the primary purposes of a formal Family Intervention with alcoholics/addicts is to help the family cease their enabling behaviors.

Generally, individuals who enable others have weak boundaries, low self-esteem, and have difficulty being assertive when they communicate with others.

I don’t know what I want anymore,I have NO sex drive, I have NO desire to beat anyone, I have no desire to even be waited on in any way at all really.

It isn’t that I hate that she does it I just feel like I have no drive or purpose anymore. I wake up and she does everything and I love the she cooks and and cleans and is there  for company and everything.

I sleep in the bed with her in one room one night and the next night I sleep in the bed with My husband and I feel like a ping pong ball bouncing back and forth and it is killing Me in a way. and I can’t explain it and I don’t think I should have to.

I am in so much pain and everything annoys me!!!! I just want to hide away from everything. I want thing to go back to the way things were before in some ways not all ways but some ways. but if I try to do that then I am not paying attention to her and she feels abandoned and then that makes Me feel like shit and then I spend more time with her and I feel like i am ignoring My Husband rather he says I am or not I still feel that way and I can’t and will not change how I feel.

I came to a conclusion after she and I talked…. she has asked Me many of times if I want her to leave. and I have told her NO I don’t I want you to stay here. but if she asks Me that one more time I will tell her “No again, and then say if you ask Me that ONE more time you better go pack your shit!” and I will not back down from that I mean it.Well she didn’t learn anything and I kept My word and gave her 2 weeks and she left on the 22 of April.

We are still rearangeing everthing that she moved and making this back into Our home and it is starting to feel like a home again.

Am I sorry that she left no,it just didn’t work out but it was a life experience that I will never forget. I think if I get a sub or slave it will be part time only.24/7 at this point in time is to overwhelming for Me. You learn new things each day and the days that she was here I learned a great deal about Myself. all I can say to her is this ” Thank you”

Things of late…

Well things are a bit crazy around here of late. I am sick again with a stuffed up head and nose, fun fun for me..NOT!!!! My lil sister is still here and kinda sick too.

The slave that was here for My Hubby is now gone for many reasons that I don’t feel like getting into at this point in time. I have to get Me and My slaves dynamics back on track soon for it has gone in a direction I was not expecting it to go in.

I DO HAVE THE BEST NEWS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My older sister had her baby ON:

2/21/2012  at 3:40 p.m

JAXSON  was 7 lbs 3 ounces and 19 inches in length

I am so happy and proud to be an Aunt!! I have been waiting for this day to come for a long time now.My sister will be the best mother in the world…WHY do I know this?? for she started raising Me when she was 6 years old ( mind you that she and I are only 3 years apart. ) and has really raised Me,My lil sister,and My lil brother.So yeah I know she will be great at it,for it is in her nature to do it.I would almost say she was born to be a mother.

A new day..

I know I haven’t been on and posting of late for I have been so busy. Training and working with My new slave and now bringing in to Our home Celtic’s new slave girl.I love how it feels having every need,desire,and thought catered to with out having to say anything really,it is amazing and I never thought it was possible for Me to feel this happy or complete.

 

I am so happy to be able to be who I really am,I keep finding I like new things everyday and it makes Me feel more alive and less depressed.

I have so many things that I want to do but I just never know where to start or what do to. I have been coming back to My Sadistic Sadist with in Me that I have had door-med for so long.

My lil sister is now asking questions about the lifestyle and it is hard to tell her about it but is also something I would rather her talk to Us about it then for her to go out and ask random ppl that may lead her down the wrong path.So if she asks Me anything I will tell her what she wants to know but slowly and no overwhelm her.

 

Well this is all I have for now I need to let My head get more straight, so I will be back very very soon.

A new slave

tomorrow I am going to pick up My girl I am so excited I am going to have her here for a few days, that is going to be such a stress reducer for Me. I have not had a slave of my own in a very long time, I am kinda scared really.

what if I don’t know what do with her?

what if I am to soft of her?

what if I am not all she is pumping Me up to be?

what if she is to strong for me?

what if I am really not what she is looking for?

what if I am what she is looking for?

what if I am to strong for her and I mess up and hurt her really bad?

what am I to do if things don’t work out?

what if Celtic thinks my training of her is to harsh?

what if I fully fall in love with her?

what if I am not smart enough for her?

what if what if what if???!!!!!!!!!!

I am so scared of Myself and of her in a way that I am almost numb.

What makes a Master a true Master???

I have  not posted in a few days because I have been thinking and trying to figure out what I wanted My next blog to be about. Well I have been doing a lot of talking and getting to know a few male subs and slaves and I am Mentoring  one and getting to know a few others.And in doing that it has brought Me to this  thought Question….What makes a Master or Mistress a true Master or Mistress?….. these are thoughts and opinions nothing more nothing less.

Being strict but fair is good,One is not less of a Master or Mistress  if Your loving towards a slave as long as they don’t try to use that to get over on You.Good ownership is equal parts authority and responsibility.What separates a good Master or Mistress  from a lousy one is the end product. Look at the property to know the quality and type of mastery that the owner applied.The condition of the property tells you something about the quality of ownership,And if the slave can say or do something that is unpleasing to Him or Her and then do something to be pitied or worry that Owner to the point of over looking them being unpleasing well then the slave has the control over the Owner not the other way around.

I have seen that happen first hand and it is sickening and sad.A Master should always be in control of a situation and be able to direct,guide,punish,and comfort there property.Also a good Master will be a friend, confidante and harsh when need be.For the property reflects the Master’s skills and honor ,If a slave can manipulate the Master it show the quality of the Owner and their ability or inabilities to be a true Master.

Oh OH another Thought just popped in while I was thinking about he question above..

slaves who try to top from the bottom.

Yes every slave at some point tests his or her chains. their needs to know that they are held in secure mastery and so so they may… push. That can be seen as a topping from the bottom attempt. Of course, that attempt is meant to fail.

The problem is when it doesn’t fail and suddenly there is a loss of respect that can spiral and destroy the M/s dynamic completely regardless of what the slave’s inner nature is telling them. A slave’s inner nature tells them to submit to strength. That testing.. is a natural inner check.

But a slave who tries to top from the bottom is no slave. he or she is a sub. a real slave knows his/her place and their heart is such that they wish no pleasure for their self. as that their pleasure comes from their Master’s pleasure.A real slave knows who they are is from their heart, one that tries to top from the bottom is not slave, they are one that plays at it. they are there to serve the one that owns him or her, to do as their Master or Mistress wish.

No slave pushes their Owner unless there other issues involved or they feel they are being neglected,it’s definitely not just the slave’s fault in that case.If the ‘testing’ becomes constant, or continues too often for too long, then I would have to carefully re-examine first My own actions and approach, and if that seemed satisfactory to Me, then hers. No relationship is guaranteed, not everyone is perfectly suited to everyone else.

These are just thoughts and opinions, But I really think they hold true.

I am think pondering these things so I will most likely touch on them again but for Now I will leave You all with what I have wrote. and if the things touched on apply in any way to You or Your slave or your Master…you really may want to examine things and see what can or can’t be fixed.

Random

I have some new movies on My Computer I am so excited to watch them,They are:

Flight of Dragons

Suck

The Last Unicorn

the twilight movies

Secretary

And the best one in My eyes is —-The Caravan of Courage the Ewok Adventure.

I have been looking for the Ewok movie for ages and I finally have it. YES!!!!!!

A friend down here down loaded them for Me and now I have them.I am so happy that she did that for Me and can’t wait to get more from her.

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I have noticed that a lot has changed in My life,I am but I am not the same person I was 7 months ago. I feel more confident I hold My head up high when I walk around. I don’t have to think ” now if I speak My mind will everyone hate Me for it” I am a stronger,more proud person.

Before I would let people tell Me what to do.what not to say,and I was really really Depressed. Well not anymore and I will not go back to that not EVER.I don’t have to walk on egg shells in hopes that I didn’t upset or set someone off because they are O.C.D and a bit Bipolar or crazy and freaks out about nothing. I can fully start being ME! and some people seem not to like that well I don’t have to live with them anymore I have a Home of My own  that is something I have wanted this for a very long time.

and now I am talking to a few new people I have met since We moved down here and I am learning so many new things. I have started talking to a Pro-Domme and she is wanting to help Me bring out that side of Me and I am so delighted to be offered such a great thing.

I am talking to all these slaves and submissive’s and making friends and perhaps one day more. Who knows only time will tell. I am researching things and learning at My own pace and not getting so confused about things. It is really like a breath of fresh air.

I have tried to mend things with people so many times and I have gained so much and I have lost a lot as well, But that is life really. cause you win some you lose some I guess, it still hurts that I have lost but with every step one takes it helps you grow and change and better ones self. and I wouldn’t give that up for the world.

Well I am going to go watch one of My new movies and relax a bit.goodnight reader.. leave a comment

You never know……

I posted last about My Anniversary which was focused on the BS of My family but that was only one of the things that happened that day.The one good thing that happened was We received a package in the mail that was a wonderful surprise it had wonderful pictures from a little girl that I love to death.And got a hand painted glass yule tree filled with chocolates and some orniments.I only wish We could send something back.

After the whole craziness of My family I was watching the news and there was a car accident that involved a family of Four they didn’t release the names of anyone but they did say that a four-year old child was killed in the accident .I watched in horror for no one should have to Barrie their child especially not one so young.

on Sunday I reserved a phone call and was told that the family in the accident was My friend Bre and her family,I was and still am devastated by this. I have known Bre since we were in 6th grade,We had our differences and I had not been able to get a hold of her since We moved down here.

I found out that she has a broken pelvis, broken shoulder, and four broken ribs, and a possible spinal injury. Her other half is still in critical condition. They wont let her see him because of how bad of shape he is in.Her other child Jasmine was luckily not harmed in the accident and she does know about her son Kenny,They keep her sedated to keep her stable.They have not released Kenny’s body yet so they don’t know when they will have the funeral.

I have done nothing but cry Myself to sleep for the last few days.I remember when she was pregnant with little Kenny and how I would buy her clothes that fit her big belly.lol and I remember the day He was born and how they told Me why they named him Kenny. it is just painful now to think of the reason they named him Kenny.. Bre told Me she named him Kenny because she loved watching South Park. Now if you think about it is just heart wrenching and painful.

I am waiting to be able to go see her in the hospital and be there for her when she needs a friend. For people really never know what they have until it is gone.

I hope that any who reads this remember that no matter what the differences you have in life that you should always be grateful for those that have made an impact on and in your life. For even though Bre and I have had our falling outs she is and always will be My friend and My sista from another motha.

Please keep them in your thoughts,prayers,and light a candle for them.Well I have to go now I am sobbing again as I am writing this.

Happy Fucking Anniversary to ME!!!!!

Friday night I got in another fight with My mom and I didn’t do anything wrong this time.Mind you Friday was Mine and Celitc’s 3 year wedding anniversary and i got a phone call from the kids and they asked if they could come over and stay till like 9 pm and I said sure. So I went and got them and My little sister (mind you she is 18 ) asked Me to help her with her homework and we started doing it and My little brother (mind you he is 13 ) said he knows all about weebly and could do it faster and better then Me and I told him no that I got it.and He through a fit and walked outside and was being a brat and then he came back in and was trying to use My phone and I said “NO, I will take you guys back to moms when we are done with the homework” and we finished up with some of her home work.

—

My brother went down the hall and Celtic asked him “what he was doing?” and My little brother said “I’m being mean to the cat” and Celtic said ” Hey don’t be mean to the that cat” and My brother said” it is My cat” and Celtic said ” I don’t care this is My house” and then My brother came over to Me and My little sister and said something to her about her not staying here because they were suppose to watch movies together. and I was like wait what ” you can’t stay the night here i have plans tonight is Our anniversary and We have a friend coming to hang out for a lil bit.” and My brother says ” so you can have a 3 some!” and I said “No,we are not” (and then I said something I shouldn’t have but I was hoping that in telling them this they would be like EWWWW gross I don’t want to stay here then) I said ” I want to have sex with My Husband tonight”

—

I know I shouldn’t have said it I know. and then My sister just started crying and wouldn’t tell Me why so i said “fine I will take you home” so we got in the car and she was crying the whole way there and I kept asking her what the hell was wrong and she finally told Me that  I am trying to control her and tell what she can and can’t do. I am not trying to control her in anyway but this is My house an if  I would have known that they came here to spend the night I would have told them “No, I can’t come pick you so you can spend the night i have plans tonight” but I didn’t  even know they wanted to stay the night till they were here.I said to her that “you have to give me some kind of heads up and not just drop a bomb on me like that.and that maybe you can spend the night another night and that she has to asking and stuff first.”

—

 I told them ” It is just like when mom wants Our oldest sister to do something for her that she has to work about Your scheduel” and I pulled over on the side of the road trying to talk to them and I didn’t scream at them I raised My voice yes but I didn’t yell or scream at them I was trying to talk over her screaming at me and her crying.and then they started telling Me that Celtic is just using Me and stuff and I told them that it is My marriage and that it is not there problem it is Mine and that they need to stop treating him like shit, that I married Him and that I am sorry but that is the way it is.

—

I pulled into mom’s drive way and they kept telling Me to just go, but I waited till mom opened the door and i hear mom say” Hey i thought you were staying over there” and then she stuck her head out and yelled at me and then slammed the door. and I was was like  fine whatever and drove back home and got a text from mom saying “Next time don’t bother and you two can stay your fucking ass over there and merry fucking to my children”

—

Then she calls Me screaming at Me and wouldn’t let Me tell her what happened and that Celtic best never tell Her son that he can’t pet his own cat.and I tried to tell her what happened and she continues to scream at Me, I said will you stop yelling at Me please mom. and then she said ” who the fuck do you think you are?!!” and I said ” I am a 26 year old married woman and that it is My anniversary and i have plans for the night” and she said ” yeah fucking your husband and having a 3 some?!!” and I said “no she is just coming to hang out” and she continued to yell at me so I hung up on her, Cuz I don’t have to take that shit at all. and then she called me back and I said “Hello, are you done yelling at Me now?” and she continued and then she said ” your such a bitch and to fuck off” and then as she was hanging up I said ” fine well fuck you too!!!”

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I am telling you all this because I know that no matter what I do I am going to be the bad guy and the piece of shit but at least you know my side of it. I don’t know what good it will do but this is what happened.

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I tried to tell My little sister that “we don’t have anywhere for her to sleep here and that we would have to do it at a later time” cuz the carpet here i don’t want her sleeping on it and we don’t have any blankets or pillows for her and right now we have very lil food but we are not starving or anything just we don’t have much. we have like no furniture or anything really.

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But she thinks I don’t want her here and that is not the case it is that until I have more things I can’t have anyone stay the night here, a few hours yeah sure. But I had no idea that they wanted to stay the night or anything like that and that is wrong, I have to have a heads up at least this is My home and they have to understand that. So I don’t know what to do now… is it going to blow over? am I a peice of shit now? I don’t know anymore what to do.The bad thing is they new that they were coming here to spend the night and mom knew but I didn’t and that is BS.

—

Well I talked to My older sister and I am the p.o.s. and that I have to be the bigger person and take responsibility for it all and that I have to think about the kids feelings and blah blah blah!  And now My little sister wants nothing to do with Me, for how long? I am not sure, but I bet that it will take Me bending over and taking it up the ass again and again with My family to set things right. I have always been the bad one, the useless one , wild child.

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You know what I think if someone wants to change bad enough they can change and become a better person,And I think I have changed a lot and I don’t steal,lie,cheat,or do anything like I used to. so why can they just understand that I am not the same person I was before 2005 and even more after I went to be with Celtic. I am a good person and if they would only give Me a chance they would see that too.But I know My family and I will most likely be disowned by them. Which sucks because We moved down here to be closer to My family because I am a very family orientated person and now what do I have???